Protège-moi de mes désirs

It doesn't hurt me
You want to feel how it feels
You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me.
You want to know about the deal I'm making.
You,
You and me.


It doesn't start with anything special. And it doesn't end with anything special. Not to the rest of the world. Because there's only a select few that I let in, and there's only a select few that even want to stay.


I screwed up.


I took what my one of my best friend's, one my sister's, thought would never happen and made it happen.


I don't know how much it will hurt her. And I'm not too worried. Because she either gets over it, or she doesn't. She leaves or she stays. I'll deal with that when it comes to that.


It's the fact that I actually did it that bothers me.


I was falling. Finally falling in love... or getting to where I could and he took it away before I could even find the words to tell him.


"...I'm not going to ask how you are doing because I know the answer is probably disgusted, disappointed, hurt..."


Yeah, probably one of those..


"...I debated with myself on whether I should tell you or not. I asked God what I should do. The answer was clear, but my fear was stronger..."


"Either way," I told him. "It happened, and now you have to live with the consequences and so do I."


In a way, it's not a big deal. Just the fact that I thought something could actually come out of this. But, for right now, nothing can, so it's not a big deal.


And then I kissed Kevin.


I kissed him before Edward even told me about his secret. (And now it sounds like this is some Twilight spin-off or something. >.> lawl)


I woke up to him, kissed him, let him hold me and I was totally okay with it. Sometimes, I just let go of myself, to see what would happen. And most of the time, I'm surprised at how outlandish I can be.


So, Friday was Edward. Sunday was Kevin.


Slut?


Yeah, maybe.


I don't consider myself one. Because, if I were, I wouldn't give a damn about anyone's feelings.


But, I guess that makes me close to one.


Because, I almost don't.


She'll know after today though.
I'm going to man-up and tell her.


There's going to be tears and shit. But, I deserve it. I did it.


As for Kevin, if I were to ever give him a chance, he would have to change. And I've told him, that I don't need the things he does in my life. And he understand. Says he'll start changing, not for me, but for himself. He tells me I'm amazing and gorgeous. Tells me that he's never had someone like me before.


And I've heard the whole speech before.


From various others.


And for once, I would like someone to tell me the truth.


That I'm not as gorgeous or as amazing as I'm made out to be. That they're just lying when they say they will change. That they'll just tell me they want in my pants.  That I'm not special.


Because I always feel like guys are lying.


And no matter how hard I try to shake that feeling.
It always comes back.




"....u make me happy and I enjoy the time we spend together hopefully amber wont be too mad when u talk to her about it anyways I will respect whatever happens..."


Pft.


We'll see.




..
You don't want to hurt me.
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder
Oh, there's a thunder in our hearts, baby.
Tell me we both matter,
don't we?


If I only could 
make a deal with God
and get him to swap our places
be running up that road
be running up that hill
be running up that building.
If I only could.


Come on baby
Let me steal this moment from you now.
Let's exchange the experience...






I just want to move to San Antonio and lose myself there.