Life's Circle Only Has One Side

    "You have smiley cheeks. I think it's cute."

If I could reach out and grab you, wrap my arms around you and make sure you would never be hurt, I would.


But, all I can do is listen and watch you make your own decisions. I take steps back to try and look at the big picture. So, I can understand better as to what I'm dealing with. But, in doing so, I'm moving a little farther away from each of you.


.
"There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side."


 We're all going to think differently. I try to keep this in mind. I try to remember this when I talk to certain people that want you to think exactly how they do. I see where they're coming from. I understand that they don't want me to hurt. But, how can I know if I can love again if I don't try.


"Try to love again, but find someone better than him."


If someone's willing to be there for me and makes me feel great. I don't give a shit what his past was. He is who he is now. And I can fall in love with that.


There's never going to be anyone "better" than anyone else. Just people with prettier "images". Inside, we're all a bunch of ugly sinners. We just have to find someone with shit we actually want to deal with.


I'm tired of doing things and thinking: "Well, what would so and so do in this situation?" Or: "If I were on the outside looking in, how would I feel?"


I'm NOT on the outside looking in, and I'm not someone else. I'm DONE caring about what people think about me. And I'm trying to break away from it. I WANT to make my own mistakes. I LOVE that people care about me. But caring shouldn't get in the way of what I want and am going to do.


If I think it's the right thing to do. Trust me. If you don't trust me, then why the hell bother caring about me?
.
Just a thought.
.


So, I've kissed him.
He's held me.
We've fallen asleep together.
We've talked hours upon hours without it seeming like any time went by at all.
When I'm with him, I automatically forget about our surroundings.
I don't get bored with him.
He became part of my life faster than I could imagine.
My heart opened up
and my brain couldn't register it that fast.


It hurts to miss him.


In a way, this wasn't supposed to happen.
Like, the forbidden fruit but on a smaller scale.


I don't regret it.
I like what it is now.
But keeping this together so I don't lose anyone, is going to take manpower.
More than I have.


Mess-ups aren't permitted.
Excuses aren't spoken up.
We have things we have to take care of.
And we're both trying.


But the grass will always seem greener on the other side.


It would be easy to just drop him and let everyone stop talking about him like he's a piece of trash. For everyone to stop thinking and talking as if I'm a slut. For people to just stop being so hypocritical and actually HELP people like we set out to do.


Someone's in NEED.
Actual need
And they sit there and talk shit.


I'm not going to be part of it.


THEY raised me better than that.
And no matter what they do, 
I'm going to keep believing in what I believe in.


The alcoholics with the keys in their hands are telling me not to drink and drive.


I'll be there for him though.
.


It's funny, because when I think about it, look at the big picture and examine it.


If I helped even just one person find Jesus, change his/her life, and watch them live full and happy lives.


It would almost be worth not going to college and never being an art teacher.


...And then I think... Did anyone ever feel that way about me?..
.


Goodnight, world.
I pray that this all works out.
That I have an actual future.
That Kevin can be a better person.
And that I'll still be able to keep my friends in the end.

A Bird's-Eye View

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain?


It's not the relationship I'm afraid of.


Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?


It's the time.

Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? 

It's the late night conversations.


Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?

It's the holding each other.


Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?


It's the finally getting to know you.


How I wish,


It's the understanding, that only you understand.


how I wish you were here.


It's the smiles.


We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,


It's the tears.


 year after year,


It's the years.


Running over the same old ground. 


The scars.


What have you found? 


And the times we don't speak and just know.


The same old fears.


It's not you and her.


Wish you were here.


It's losing all of that.


< / 3


That's all it is.

Protège-moi de mes désirs

It doesn't hurt me
You want to feel how it feels
You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me.
You want to know about the deal I'm making.
You,
You and me.


It doesn't start with anything special. And it doesn't end with anything special. Not to the rest of the world. Because there's only a select few that I let in, and there's only a select few that even want to stay.


I screwed up.


I took what my one of my best friend's, one my sister's, thought would never happen and made it happen.


I don't know how much it will hurt her. And I'm not too worried. Because she either gets over it, or she doesn't. She leaves or she stays. I'll deal with that when it comes to that.


It's the fact that I actually did it that bothers me.


I was falling. Finally falling in love... or getting to where I could and he took it away before I could even find the words to tell him.


"...I'm not going to ask how you are doing because I know the answer is probably disgusted, disappointed, hurt..."


Yeah, probably one of those..


"...I debated with myself on whether I should tell you or not. I asked God what I should do. The answer was clear, but my fear was stronger..."


"Either way," I told him. "It happened, and now you have to live with the consequences and so do I."


In a way, it's not a big deal. Just the fact that I thought something could actually come out of this. But, for right now, nothing can, so it's not a big deal.


And then I kissed Kevin.


I kissed him before Edward even told me about his secret. (And now it sounds like this is some Twilight spin-off or something. >.> lawl)


I woke up to him, kissed him, let him hold me and I was totally okay with it. Sometimes, I just let go of myself, to see what would happen. And most of the time, I'm surprised at how outlandish I can be.


So, Friday was Edward. Sunday was Kevin.


Slut?


Yeah, maybe.


I don't consider myself one. Because, if I were, I wouldn't give a damn about anyone's feelings.


But, I guess that makes me close to one.


Because, I almost don't.


She'll know after today though.
I'm going to man-up and tell her.


There's going to be tears and shit. But, I deserve it. I did it.


As for Kevin, if I were to ever give him a chance, he would have to change. And I've told him, that I don't need the things he does in my life. And he understand. Says he'll start changing, not for me, but for himself. He tells me I'm amazing and gorgeous. Tells me that he's never had someone like me before.


And I've heard the whole speech before.


From various others.


And for once, I would like someone to tell me the truth.


That I'm not as gorgeous or as amazing as I'm made out to be. That they're just lying when they say they will change. That they'll just tell me they want in my pants.  That I'm not special.


Because I always feel like guys are lying.


And no matter how hard I try to shake that feeling.
It always comes back.




"....u make me happy and I enjoy the time we spend together hopefully amber wont be too mad when u talk to her about it anyways I will respect whatever happens..."


Pft.


We'll see.




..
You don't want to hurt me.
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder
Oh, there's a thunder in our hearts, baby.
Tell me we both matter,
don't we?


If I only could 
make a deal with God
and get him to swap our places
be running up that road
be running up that hill
be running up that building.
If I only could.


Come on baby
Let me steal this moment from you now.
Let's exchange the experience...






I just want to move to San Antonio and lose myself there.

 "You're so nice
and you're so smart.
 You're such a good friend,
I have to break your heart.
 I'll tell you that I love you
and then tear your world apart.
 Just pretend I didn't
tear your world apart."
  -Kimya


 In war, generally, there are two sides.

 A bad.. and a good.

 Obviously, you're going to think you're doing the right thing, or you wouldn't be there in the frist place... or you're effing brainwashed.

...Either way, you're fighting for what you believe in.

 To win, you try to uncover the enemie's gameplan. You keep secrets from your enemy, you steal their weapons, hold their men captive and shoot those who shoot you.

 You become cold, uncaring, melancholy and dangerous.

 You die, in a sense.

 You do this until you win.

 And then, when you win, YOU still don't.

 Actually, you lose more than your supposed enemy.

 Because, you lose yourself.

 They say love is a battlefield.

 Whoevever the hell said that never knew love.
 Yeah, it has it's bad and good times.
 But, if you love someone, you don't want to destroy them.
 You don't want to possess them.
 You want to help them.
 To be there for them.

 With love, you trust your "enemy".

 So, fuck that supposed love.

 If I want a war, I'll join the army.

 I thought I had control of this falling in love thing.
 But, I don't.
 But, I can control if you have a place in my life or not.

Acrophobia

Your parents have never met my parents.

Your granparents and my grandparents would have despised each other if they ever crossed paths.

We might not be as far away as we think we are.

But while we think we are.
It's pretty damn far.

I said what I said and you know what I mean.
At least, that's what I tell the better part of me.

While we were soaking up the moment.
Soaking in the moonlight.
While we were closing our eyes and opening our hearts,
I was listening out.
Waiting for a sign.
Waiting to fall.

For the world to swallow me whole.

For someone so complex.
You make talking to you easy.
But I'm still uncomfortable.
I never feel like I'm reaching you
or them
on a certain level.

We're right next to each other
breathing the other in
kissing the other's lips
smiling with each other's smile
eyes connecting
but souls not touching.

It's like I'm missing something.
Something vital.
It's as if when I hardened myself.
Put myself back together
and made myself better
I lost something.
Connection.
I was a balloon
without a string.

But I was as happy as could be.
Racing for the skies.
I knew I wouldn't reach it.
But it would be a close try.

...
The sky didn't make a sound,
but at the same time,
it screamed at me.
Told me to stop staring
to stop make-believing.

That what was "better" was right in front of me.
That what I "needed" was risking the same thing.
That would would "treat me well" was waiting for me to make the jump.

I have this fear of heights.
Acrophobia.

It keeps me awake at night.
While you're so many miles away
and promising to keep me safe.
It's on my mind,
when your right next to me,
holding and keeping me safe.

It's on my mind
even when you're not.

It doesn't control my steps.
My actions.
Or words.

Just my love.

Which I don't have problem handing over to Fear.

Time trickled down to nothing.
And nothing is exactly what I felt.
When I tore their hearts apart.

But when I look in your eyes.
In his eyes.
In their eyes.
In my eyes.
There's something.

But it's not love.
Not yet.

But it's something.
And my actions speak louder than words.
And while I'm saying: "Acrophobia, acrophobia, acrophobia."
I'm crossing boundries just to jump off this cliff.
And they're all at the bottom.
Arms stretched
waiting to catch me.
Their own cliffs waiting right behind them.

A Little More 'Touch Me' Could Lead to Eighteen Years of 'Please Lord, Kill Me.'

If you want to see an easy way to get into my pants, click this.

^^^^^^^

CLICK IT! ...because you know you want to.... John. ;) -nudge, nudge-

lawl

.just a thought. 

So... today kind of sucked.

Woke up hot as hell.

Went right outside.

Sat right in front of the door.

And just breathed.

It was nice being somewhat cold.

The friggin air conditioner can kiss my b u t t.

Anyway,

Talked to an old friend.. well, not so much as old, but more like at a point was "unwanted". Lawl

But, we've made plans for me to call him tonight and to possibly hang out with him in the next few weeks.

He wants to jump my bones.

That's it.

Ugh.

Still, the thought of just running out with some guy and having as much fun as possible is super appealing.

But one the downside, I've always been pretty picky.

I'd rather have new lip piercings than some loser biting at my neck and expecting me to drop my pants.

Or art supplies.

Lawl.

But afterwards, I came in, got some water and started in on the laundry.

The family had a spat and I tried to stay out of it as much as possible.

Which is hard when you're the one doing most of the work and you have on parent saying "Oh, Krissy's so friggin incredible! Our son doesn't do that!"

And then you sit there and feel like the other wants to tear your throat out and use it as her new hat.

It's actually a VERY horrible feeling.

But, after it quieted down, I went into the bathroom, changed into my bikini, went outside, turned on the water hose, laid down in the baby pool and SOAKED myself in water.

Let me tell you.

It's better than sex.

I'll let you figure that one out.

Highlight of my day fershure.

Hopefully this certain, dark and handsome man comes over tomorrow. I miss him and it's been awhile since I've seen him.

I see people that look like him all the time though.

Like today and yesterday.

:/

Anyway, we got this air unit sticking tackily out of our window. So.. for the time being, it's chilly.

We're having a family slumber party in the livingroom tonight.

Minus, Timmie.

Apparently, he's too cool for us.

Lawl

...He opened the door for me, and made a point of it being all gentlemenly. 

Made me feel special.

But that's just because I have a mad crush on him.

..And he totally knows it.

That would be it.. but I still have a few more hours of me being awake.. so I thought I would kill some time with this. :]

Oh!

I MIGHT go to Corpus with meh mummy if my sancho doesn't come over tomorrow.

I miss her.

Loads. :)

And I discovered a new band today.

I like em a lot.

<3

And Chad Wolf is probably the 3rd sexiest man in the universe.

Let's just say I would have his babies.

All 3094570812854093450947593270834.6 of them.

That is all.

:)

Mmmmm... Excuse me Carolina Liar, but I've already found what I'm looking for. And his name is, Chad. ;)

Say "no" to this face! YOU CAN'T! :D :D :O






Man... I think I just got pregnant by just LOOKING at him. :3
Niiiiice.

If Time Goes By So Fast, Why The Hell Do We Bother Doing Anything At All?

A hospital room.

A breath of life.

Lights.

Screaming.

Smiles.

Growing.

The splitting of cells.

Kisses.

Hugs.

Laughs.

Tears. 

Pouts.

Anger.

Sorrow.

Growing.

Growing.

Morals.

Right

and wrong.

No’s

and Yes’s.

A diploma.

Stupidity.

Ignorance.

Excitement.

Adulthood.

A glance.

A wave.

A shocking,

clenching,

warm tug

to your heart.

Their smile.

Meetings.

Dates.

Hand holding.

Brushes of lips.

Soft strokes

of life’s paint brush.

Coloring in only the

warm.

Bright eyes.

Flushed cheeks.

Close embraces.

Body heat.

Years and years.

Strokes of warm.

Time

never stops.

Wrinkles.

Greys

and whites.

Half of you

runs out into

the world.

As fast

and as excited

as you did.

Bright eyes

and flushed cheeks.

Kisses

of Death.

Awake.

Pain.

Fear.

Their hand

in your weathered one.

Rushing.

Waiting.

Hurting.

Blurring.

The drugs.

The intensity.

The sudden halt.

When everything stops.

It’s here.

Realization.

Acceptance.

Serenity.

No tears.

Embracing.

A hospital room.

A last breath of life.

And a better understanding of the word.

If You Want A Little Bit of Honesty

We're all fucking crazy.


That's it.


I don't care how well you hide it
I don't care if you don't think you aren't.


It's there.


That's the only real thing going through my mind right now.

Odraude

This is the first day of my life.

Swear I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed

They're spreading blankets on the beach.

Yours is the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

And I don't know where I am

I don't know where I've been

But, I know where I want to go

So, I thought I'd let you know.

That these things take forever

I especially am slow.

But, realize that I need you.

And I wondered if I could come home.

Remember the time you drove all night,

just to meet me in the morning?

And I thought it was strange

You said everything changed

You felt as if you'd just woke up

And you said:

"This is the first day of my life.

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.

But now I don't care,

I could go anywhere with you

And probably be happy."

So if you want to be with me,

with these things there's no telling

we just have to wait and see.

I'd rather be working for a paycheck

Than waiting to win the lottery.

Besides, I think this time is different,

I mean, I really think you like me.

Apologizing Would Mean I Had Bad Intentions

While you were leaning down to kiss me.

While you were trying to close the space.

While you were oblivious to your furiously beating heart.

I concluded.

I concluded that I wasn’t looking for what you had to give.

I was holding something.

What I’ll never show, what you’ll never find.

Your lips wanted to crush on mine.

I tried to silence my heart, to shush it, 

but my soul pumped through my veins,

twisting and turning,

and spilled out of my quivering lips.

“No.”

In silence we sat.

And as far away as we felt from each other.

As far away the world felt.

The TV still kept playing.

And I heard every word.

“I’m sorry.”