Fuckit

Staying single would've been a good idea.

Falling in love hurts.
Love hurts. (whether it's right or wrong)
Trust is fictional.

When the hell did I sign up for this?

And why the hell am I staying in it...??

New Year Resolution

Life comes with no guarantees, timeouts or 2nd chances. Live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to u, tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, be a flirt & smile. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love & live in the moment b/c every second u spend angry/upset is a second of happiness u can never get back.

Of the Broken and the Hopeful

Sweet October chills ran right down our spines.
Warm November colors filled in  our eyes and cheeks.
Cold December nights couldn't touch the heat in our kisses.


I knew I shouldn't have had a taste. A taste of your lips, your skin and your love. A taste of hope. A taste of security.


And a taste of promise.


I shouldn't have clung so hard to the ghost in the corner and I shouldn't have left those broken hearts lying around where you could see.


But I did.


I remember my first kiss.


They weren't your lips, nor your eyes.


But, they were the first step to getting to yours.


I remember the first time I lay next to him, in his arms.


I was alone, even then.


Because, I was on a level that he couldn't reach.


But, I was within yours, but you didn't know I existed and I didn't care if you did.


I remember the first time he broke my heart. I cried enough to fill the oceans that separated us. I became my own island.


And eventually, you became my captive.


You washed up on my shores, where no one else could reach. You touched my sands and embraced my trees. You ate what I had to offer and you slept on the heart of my body.


In a way, I wish I had never met you.


Because, it's easier to never love at all.


I don't want to trust my heart with you. I worry about you. I'm jealous for you. I'm anxious for you. I'm willing to pour out my guts and more to keep you happy.


I would destroy myself for you.


How is that any way to feel for someone.


It's true.


How I want to leave you.


It's true.


That I make you mad just to see how far I can push you.


It's true.


That I wish I was in your arms everyday.


It's true.


That I want to be alone.


It's true.


That I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else.




Couldn't I love you from a distance?


But, I would want to touch you. For our fingertips to collide. I would want to fall asleep in your arms. Like we did every night we could. I would want to hold you, like I did when we first said 'I love you'. I would want to kiss you, like we did that early morning when we were so unsure about what we were. 


If I could slice through my skin, bleed my body dry and open up my heart and mind for you to see how I felt, I would and let my soul slip up to Heaven.


My thoughts are entwined with yours, and I can't help but love you so much.


There's such a thing as loving someone too much.


You and I both know it.


Because, we've both done it.


We've given too much where there was nothing to receive.






I want to let you go.


I never signed up to get hurt.


And while you say you won't, you can't be sure.






I remember the October morning.
I remember the first kiss.
I remember how I hated you.
I remember how I was disgusted by you.
I remember how I pitied you.


I remember how I felt you.
I remember how I was amused by you.
I remember how I liked you.
I remember how I fell for you.
I remember how I loved you.
I remember how I needed you.
I remember how I hoped for you.
How I worried for you.
How I broke my walls down for you.
How I opened up my scared heart for you.


 I remember how hurt I could be.
And now I know I don't want that again.


I know the pain.
But I know there could be more.
You're just asking for a heartache.
And I just want the good memories.
I'll fall asleep with you
and leave in the morning.
I'll leave you a note:
"One day, you will be loved."

IF.

Forgive and forget.

Forgive? Sure.
Forget? Hah, whatever.

You go through life, with a certain set of morals. They change over the years. Small and big changes.


And when you date, you usually try to date someone with the same views/morals as you, so there's a certain unspoken boundary that's not crossed.


It's the smart thing to do anyway.


But, what if you fall in love suddenly and quickly?
Father time just whizzes by you and drops this sudden bundle of love into your life.


It's not like you expected it.


So, as young and new love usually is, you dive in head first, barely stopping to unwrap it. And the love you find is "everything you thought it would be" and there's "absolutely no one in the world that could be anymore perfect."


And then, after a short while, that love starts to become... burdensome. 


You start to realize that you have to nurture it, pay attention to it and love it the same (if not more) back. 


And maybe you weren't really wanting love.... maybe you were content with just yourself.
But now you have this great thing... that can totally kill you from the inside out.


You could leave it at someone else's front door... or you could continue to keep it growing.


But, what if this person, the person that you have utmost respect and love for, isn't who you thought they were?


What IF, their morals are almost the exact opposite of yours?


What IF, the things they did, broke your heart? Almost every single time it was mentioned? 


What IF, you had seen people you loved go through the same thing and seen the horror that came from it?


What IF, everyone around you was in on it, and you were on the outside looking in?


What IF, the person you loved had stopped doing those things?


...What are you supposed to do?


You can't erase the past.

And you can't write the future.


What IF, they're arms around made you feel complete, but the things they had done was just too much to take?


What IF, they weren't who you thought they were?


What IF, you loved them so much that you had been blowing it off... trying to keep your heart from thinking about it?


In a selfish way, wouldn't it be WORTH putting that love down and moving on?


Because, while you're happy... you're still unhappy.


So, in a sense, you never win.


And if you were never there to win in the first place, why stay in the game?


Some things aren't worth holding on to.. and some things are...


But it takes more than just words to decide.


It takes action.


And it takes forgiveness.


It takes forgiving them.
For their past.


And most importantly, it takes forgiving yourself.
For letting yourself down and falling in love with someone that didn't stand with you, morally.


Maybe I've forgiven him.
But, I haven't forgiven me.


It's 4:30 in the morning.
And I just want to be alone.


It's 4:32 in the morning.
And I'm crying alone.


It's 4:35 in the morning.
And I'm ashamed of myself.


It's 4:40 in the morning.
And love's too strong an action.


Thank God I know how to let go.