"You have smiley cheeks. I think it's cute."
If I could reach out and grab you, wrap my arms around you and make sure you would never be hurt, I would.
But, all I can do is listen and watch you make your own decisions. I take steps back to try and look at the big picture. So, I can understand better as to what I'm dealing with. But, in doing so, I'm moving a little farther away from each of you.
.
"There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side."
We're all going to think differently. I try to keep this in mind. I try to remember this when I talk to certain people that want you to think exactly how they do. I see where they're coming from. I understand that they don't want me to hurt. But, how can I know if I can love again if I don't try.
"Try to love again, but find someone better than him."
If someone's willing to be there for me and makes me feel great. I don't give a shit what his past was. He is who he is now. And I can fall in love with that.
There's never going to be anyone "better" than anyone else. Just people with prettier "images". Inside, we're all a bunch of ugly sinners. We just have to find someone with shit we actually want to deal with.
I'm tired of doing things and thinking: "Well, what would so and so do in this situation?" Or: "If I were on the outside looking in, how would I feel?"
I'm NOT on the outside looking in, and I'm not someone else. I'm DONE caring about what people think about me. And I'm trying to break away from it. I WANT to make my own mistakes. I LOVE that people care about me. But caring shouldn't get in the way of what I want and am going to do.
If I think it's the right thing to do. Trust me. If you don't trust me, then why the hell bother caring about me?
.
Just a thought.
.
So, I've kissed him.
He's held me.
We've fallen asleep together.
We've talked hours upon hours without it seeming like any time went by at all.
When I'm with him, I automatically forget about our surroundings.
I don't get bored with him.
He became part of my life faster than I could imagine.
My heart opened up
and my brain couldn't register it that fast.
It hurts to miss him.
In a way, this wasn't supposed to happen.
Like, the forbidden fruit but on a smaller scale.
I don't regret it.
I like what it is now.
But keeping this together so I don't lose anyone, is going to take manpower.
More than I have.
Mess-ups aren't permitted.
Excuses aren't spoken up.
We have things we have to take care of.
And we're both trying.
But the grass will always seem greener on the other side.
It would be easy to just drop him and let everyone stop talking about him like he's a piece of trash. For everyone to stop thinking and talking as if I'm a slut. For people to just stop being so hypocritical and actually HELP people like we set out to do.
Someone's in NEED.
Actual need
And they sit there and talk shit.
I'm not going to be part of it.
THEY raised me better than that.
And no matter what they do,
I'm going to keep believing in what I believe in.
The alcoholics with the keys in their hands are telling me not to drink and drive.
I'll be there for him though.
.
It's funny, because when I think about it, look at the big picture and examine it.
If I helped even just one person find Jesus, change his/her life, and watch them live full and happy lives.
It would almost be worth not going to college and never being an art teacher.
...And then I think... Did anyone ever feel that way about me?..
.
Goodnight, world.
I pray that this all works out.
That I have an actual future.
That Kevin can be a better person.
And that I'll still be able to keep my friends in the end.
