Staying single would've been a good idea.
Falling in love hurts.
Love hurts. (whether it's right or wrong)
Trust is fictional.
When the hell did I sign up for this?
And why the hell am I staying in it...??
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
New Year Resolution
Life comes with no guarantees, timeouts or 2nd chances. Live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to u, tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, be a flirt & smile. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love & live in the moment b/c every second u spend angry/upset is a second of happiness u can never get back.
Of the Broken and the Hopeful
Sweet October chills ran right down our spines.
Warm November colors filled in our eyes and cheeks.
Cold December nights couldn't touch the heat in our kisses.
I knew I shouldn't have had a taste. A taste of your lips, your skin and your love. A taste of hope. A taste of security.
And a taste of promise.
I shouldn't have clung so hard to the ghost in the corner and I shouldn't have left those broken hearts lying around where you could see.
But I did.
I remember my first kiss.
They weren't your lips, nor your eyes.
But, they were the first step to getting to yours.
I remember the first time I lay next to him, in his arms.
I was alone, even then.
Because, I was on a level that he couldn't reach.
But, I was within yours, but you didn't know I existed and I didn't care if you did.
I remember the first time he broke my heart. I cried enough to fill the oceans that separated us. I became my own island.
And eventually, you became my captive.
You washed up on my shores, where no one else could reach. You touched my sands and embraced my trees. You ate what I had to offer and you slept on the heart of my body.
In a way, I wish I had never met you.
Because, it's easier to never love at all.
I don't want to trust my heart with you. I worry about you. I'm jealous for you. I'm anxious for you. I'm willing to pour out my guts and more to keep you happy.
I would destroy myself for you.
How is that any way to feel for someone.
It's true.
How I want to leave you.
It's true.
That I make you mad just to see how far I can push you.
It's true.
That I wish I was in your arms everyday.
It's true.
That I want to be alone.
It's true.
That I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else.
Couldn't I love you from a distance?
But, I would want to touch you. For our fingertips to collide. I would want to fall asleep in your arms. Like we did every night we could. I would want to hold you, like I did when we first said 'I love you'. I would want to kiss you, like we did that early morning when we were so unsure about what we were.
If I could slice through my skin, bleed my body dry and open up my heart and mind for you to see how I felt, I would and let my soul slip up to Heaven.
My thoughts are entwined with yours, and I can't help but love you so much.
There's such a thing as loving someone too much.
You and I both know it.
Because, we've both done it.
We've given too much where there was nothing to receive.
I want to let you go.
I never signed up to get hurt.
And while you say you won't, you can't be sure.
I remember the October morning.
I remember the first kiss.
I remember how I hated you.
I remember how I was disgusted by you.
I remember how I pitied you.
I remember how I felt you.
I remember how I was amused by you.
I remember how I liked you.
I remember how I fell for you.
I remember how I loved you.
I remember how I needed you.
I remember how I hoped for you.
How I worried for you.
How I broke my walls down for you.
How I opened up my scared heart for you.
I remember how hurt I could be.
And now I know I don't want that again.
I know the pain.
But I know there could be more.
You're just asking for a heartache.
And I just want the good memories.
I'll fall asleep with you
and leave in the morning.
I'll leave you a note:
"One day, you will be loved."
Warm November colors filled in our eyes and cheeks.
Cold December nights couldn't touch the heat in our kisses.
I knew I shouldn't have had a taste. A taste of your lips, your skin and your love. A taste of hope. A taste of security.
And a taste of promise.
I shouldn't have clung so hard to the ghost in the corner and I shouldn't have left those broken hearts lying around where you could see.
But I did.
I remember my first kiss.
They weren't your lips, nor your eyes.
But, they were the first step to getting to yours.
I remember the first time I lay next to him, in his arms.
I was alone, even then.
Because, I was on a level that he couldn't reach.
But, I was within yours, but you didn't know I existed and I didn't care if you did.
I remember the first time he broke my heart. I cried enough to fill the oceans that separated us. I became my own island.
And eventually, you became my captive.
You washed up on my shores, where no one else could reach. You touched my sands and embraced my trees. You ate what I had to offer and you slept on the heart of my body.
In a way, I wish I had never met you.
Because, it's easier to never love at all.
I don't want to trust my heart with you. I worry about you. I'm jealous for you. I'm anxious for you. I'm willing to pour out my guts and more to keep you happy.
I would destroy myself for you.
How is that any way to feel for someone.
It's true.
How I want to leave you.
It's true.
That I make you mad just to see how far I can push you.
It's true.
That I wish I was in your arms everyday.
It's true.
That I want to be alone.
It's true.
That I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else.
Couldn't I love you from a distance?
But, I would want to touch you. For our fingertips to collide. I would want to fall asleep in your arms. Like we did every night we could. I would want to hold you, like I did when we first said 'I love you'. I would want to kiss you, like we did that early morning when we were so unsure about what we were.
If I could slice through my skin, bleed my body dry and open up my heart and mind for you to see how I felt, I would and let my soul slip up to Heaven.
My thoughts are entwined with yours, and I can't help but love you so much.
There's such a thing as loving someone too much.
You and I both know it.
Because, we've both done it.
We've given too much where there was nothing to receive.
I want to let you go.
I never signed up to get hurt.
And while you say you won't, you can't be sure.
I remember the October morning.
I remember the first kiss.
I remember how I hated you.
I remember how I was disgusted by you.
I remember how I pitied you.
I remember how I felt you.
I remember how I was amused by you.
I remember how I liked you.
I remember how I fell for you.
I remember how I loved you.
I remember how I needed you.
I remember how I hoped for you.
How I worried for you.
How I broke my walls down for you.
How I opened up my scared heart for you.
I remember how hurt I could be.
And now I know I don't want that again.
I know the pain.
But I know there could be more.
You're just asking for a heartache.
And I just want the good memories.
I'll fall asleep with you
and leave in the morning.
I'll leave you a note:
"One day, you will be loved."
Monday, January 3, 2011
IF.
Forgive and forget.
Forgive? Sure.
Forget? Hah, whatever.
You go through life, with a certain set of morals. They change over the years. Small and big changes.
And when you date, you usually try to date someone with the same views/morals as you, so there's a certain unspoken boundary that's not crossed.
It's the smart thing to do anyway.
But, what if you fall in love suddenly and quickly?
Father time just whizzes by you and drops this sudden bundle of love into your life.
It's not like you expected it.
So, as young and new love usually is, you dive in head first, barely stopping to unwrap it. And the love you find is "everything you thought it would be" and there's "absolutely no one in the world that could be anymore perfect."
And then, after a short while, that love starts to become... burdensome.
You start to realize that you have to nurture it, pay attention to it and love it the same (if not more) back.
And maybe you weren't really wanting love.... maybe you were content with just yourself.
But now you have this great thing... that can totally kill you from the inside out.
You could leave it at someone else's front door... or you could continue to keep it growing.
But, what if this person, the person that you have utmost respect and love for, isn't who you thought they were?
What IF, their morals are almost the exact opposite of yours?
What IF, the things they did, broke your heart? Almost every single time it was mentioned?
What IF, you had seen people you loved go through the same thing and seen the horror that came from it?
What IF, everyone around you was in on it, and you were on the outside looking in?
What IF, the person you loved had stopped doing those things?
...What are you supposed to do?
You can't erase the past.
And you can't write the future.
What IF, they're arms around made you feel complete, but the things they had done was just too much to take?
What IF, they weren't who you thought they were?
What IF, you loved them so much that you had been blowing it off... trying to keep your heart from thinking about it?
In a selfish way, wouldn't it be WORTH putting that love down and moving on?
Because, while you're happy... you're still unhappy.
So, in a sense, you never win.
And if you were never there to win in the first place, why stay in the game?
Some things aren't worth holding on to.. and some things are...
But it takes more than just words to decide.
It takes action.
And it takes forgiveness.
It takes forgiving them.
For their past.
And most importantly, it takes forgiving yourself.
For letting yourself down and falling in love with someone that didn't stand with you, morally.
Maybe I've forgiven him.
But, I haven't forgiven me.
It's 4:30 in the morning.
And I just want to be alone.
It's 4:32 in the morning.
And I'm crying alone.
It's 4:35 in the morning.
And I'm ashamed of myself.
It's 4:40 in the morning.
And love's too strong an action.
Thank God I know how to let go.
Forgive? Sure.
Forget? Hah, whatever.
You go through life, with a certain set of morals. They change over the years. Small and big changes.
And when you date, you usually try to date someone with the same views/morals as you, so there's a certain unspoken boundary that's not crossed.
It's the smart thing to do anyway.
But, what if you fall in love suddenly and quickly?
Father time just whizzes by you and drops this sudden bundle of love into your life.
It's not like you expected it.
So, as young and new love usually is, you dive in head first, barely stopping to unwrap it. And the love you find is "everything you thought it would be" and there's "absolutely no one in the world that could be anymore perfect."
And then, after a short while, that love starts to become... burdensome.
You start to realize that you have to nurture it, pay attention to it and love it the same (if not more) back.
And maybe you weren't really wanting love.... maybe you were content with just yourself.
But now you have this great thing... that can totally kill you from the inside out.
You could leave it at someone else's front door... or you could continue to keep it growing.
But, what if this person, the person that you have utmost respect and love for, isn't who you thought they were?
What IF, their morals are almost the exact opposite of yours?
What IF, the things they did, broke your heart? Almost every single time it was mentioned?
What IF, you had seen people you loved go through the same thing and seen the horror that came from it?
What IF, everyone around you was in on it, and you were on the outside looking in?
What IF, the person you loved had stopped doing those things?
...What are you supposed to do?
You can't erase the past.
And you can't write the future.
What IF, they're arms around made you feel complete, but the things they had done was just too much to take?
What IF, they weren't who you thought they were?
What IF, you loved them so much that you had been blowing it off... trying to keep your heart from thinking about it?
In a selfish way, wouldn't it be WORTH putting that love down and moving on?
Because, while you're happy... you're still unhappy.
So, in a sense, you never win.
And if you were never there to win in the first place, why stay in the game?
Some things aren't worth holding on to.. and some things are...
But it takes more than just words to decide.
It takes action.
And it takes forgiveness.
It takes forgiving them.
For their past.
And most importantly, it takes forgiving yourself.
For letting yourself down and falling in love with someone that didn't stand with you, morally.
Maybe I've forgiven him.
But, I haven't forgiven me.
It's 4:30 in the morning.
And I just want to be alone.
It's 4:32 in the morning.
And I'm crying alone.
It's 4:35 in the morning.
And I'm ashamed of myself.
It's 4:40 in the morning.
And love's too strong an action.
Thank God I know how to let go.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Life's Circle Only Has One Side
"You have smiley cheeks. I think it's cute."
If I could reach out and grab you, wrap my arms around you and make sure you would never be hurt, I would.
But, all I can do is listen and watch you make your own decisions. I take steps back to try and look at the big picture. So, I can understand better as to what I'm dealing with. But, in doing so, I'm moving a little farther away from each of you.
.
"There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side."
We're all going to think differently. I try to keep this in mind. I try to remember this when I talk to certain people that want you to think exactly how they do. I see where they're coming from. I understand that they don't want me to hurt. But, how can I know if I can love again if I don't try.
"Try to love again, but find someone better than him."
If someone's willing to be there for me and makes me feel great. I don't give a shit what his past was. He is who he is now. And I can fall in love with that.
There's never going to be anyone "better" than anyone else. Just people with prettier "images". Inside, we're all a bunch of ugly sinners. We just have to find someone with shit we actually want to deal with.
I'm tired of doing things and thinking: "Well, what would so and so do in this situation?" Or: "If I were on the outside looking in, how would I feel?"
I'm NOT on the outside looking in, and I'm not someone else. I'm DONE caring about what people think about me. And I'm trying to break away from it. I WANT to make my own mistakes. I LOVE that people care about me. But caring shouldn't get in the way of what I want and am going to do.
If I think it's the right thing to do. Trust me. If you don't trust me, then why the hell bother caring about me?
.
Just a thought.
.
So, I've kissed him.
He's held me.
We've fallen asleep together.
We've talked hours upon hours without it seeming like any time went by at all.
When I'm with him, I automatically forget about our surroundings.
I don't get bored with him.
He became part of my life faster than I could imagine.
My heart opened up
and my brain couldn't register it that fast.
It hurts to miss him.
In a way, this wasn't supposed to happen.
Like, the forbidden fruit but on a smaller scale.
I don't regret it.
I like what it is now.
But keeping this together so I don't lose anyone, is going to take manpower.
More than I have.
Mess-ups aren't permitted.
Excuses aren't spoken up.
We have things we have to take care of.
And we're both trying.
But the grass will always seem greener on the other side.
It would be easy to just drop him and let everyone stop talking about him like he's a piece of trash. For everyone to stop thinking and talking as if I'm a slut. For people to just stop being so hypocritical and actually HELP people like we set out to do.
Someone's in NEED.
Actual need
And they sit there and talk shit.
I'm not going to be part of it.
THEY raised me better than that.
And no matter what they do,
I'm going to keep believing in what I believe in.
The alcoholics with the keys in their hands are telling me not to drink and drive.
I'll be there for him though.
.
It's funny, because when I think about it, look at the big picture and examine it.
If I helped even just one person find Jesus, change his/her life, and watch them live full and happy lives.
It would almost be worth not going to college and never being an art teacher.
...And then I think... Did anyone ever feel that way about me?..
.
Goodnight, world.
I pray that this all works out.
That I have an actual future.
That Kevin can be a better person.
And that I'll still be able to keep my friends in the end.
If I could reach out and grab you, wrap my arms around you and make sure you would never be hurt, I would.
But, all I can do is listen and watch you make your own decisions. I take steps back to try and look at the big picture. So, I can understand better as to what I'm dealing with. But, in doing so, I'm moving a little farther away from each of you.
.
"There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side."
We're all going to think differently. I try to keep this in mind. I try to remember this when I talk to certain people that want you to think exactly how they do. I see where they're coming from. I understand that they don't want me to hurt. But, how can I know if I can love again if I don't try.
"Try to love again, but find someone better than him."
If someone's willing to be there for me and makes me feel great. I don't give a shit what his past was. He is who he is now. And I can fall in love with that.
There's never going to be anyone "better" than anyone else. Just people with prettier "images". Inside, we're all a bunch of ugly sinners. We just have to find someone with shit we actually want to deal with.
I'm tired of doing things and thinking: "Well, what would so and so do in this situation?" Or: "If I were on the outside looking in, how would I feel?"
I'm NOT on the outside looking in, and I'm not someone else. I'm DONE caring about what people think about me. And I'm trying to break away from it. I WANT to make my own mistakes. I LOVE that people care about me. But caring shouldn't get in the way of what I want and am going to do.
If I think it's the right thing to do. Trust me. If you don't trust me, then why the hell bother caring about me?
.
Just a thought.
.
So, I've kissed him.
He's held me.
We've fallen asleep together.
We've talked hours upon hours without it seeming like any time went by at all.
When I'm with him, I automatically forget about our surroundings.
I don't get bored with him.
He became part of my life faster than I could imagine.
My heart opened up
and my brain couldn't register it that fast.
It hurts to miss him.
In a way, this wasn't supposed to happen.
Like, the forbidden fruit but on a smaller scale.
I don't regret it.
I like what it is now.
But keeping this together so I don't lose anyone, is going to take manpower.
More than I have.
Mess-ups aren't permitted.
Excuses aren't spoken up.
We have things we have to take care of.
And we're both trying.
But the grass will always seem greener on the other side.
It would be easy to just drop him and let everyone stop talking about him like he's a piece of trash. For everyone to stop thinking and talking as if I'm a slut. For people to just stop being so hypocritical and actually HELP people like we set out to do.
Someone's in NEED.
Actual need
And they sit there and talk shit.
I'm not going to be part of it.
THEY raised me better than that.
And no matter what they do,
I'm going to keep believing in what I believe in.
The alcoholics with the keys in their hands are telling me not to drink and drive.
I'll be there for him though.
.
It's funny, because when I think about it, look at the big picture and examine it.
If I helped even just one person find Jesus, change his/her life, and watch them live full and happy lives.
It would almost be worth not going to college and never being an art teacher.
...And then I think... Did anyone ever feel that way about me?..
.
Goodnight, world.
I pray that this all works out.
That I have an actual future.
That Kevin can be a better person.
And that I'll still be able to keep my friends in the end.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
A Bird's-Eye View
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain?
It's not the relationship I'm afraid of.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
It's the time.
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
It's the late night conversations.
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
It's the holding each other.
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
It's the finally getting to know you.
How I wish,
It's the understanding, that only you understand.
how I wish you were here.
It's the smiles.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
It's the tears.
year after year,
It's the years.
Running over the same old ground.
The scars.
What have you found?
And the times we don't speak and just know.
The same old fears.
It's not you and her.
Wish you were here.
It's losing all of that.
< / 3
That's all it is.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Protège-moi de mes désirs
It doesn't hurt me
You want to feel how it feels
You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me.
You want to know about the deal I'm making.
You,
You and me.
It doesn't start with anything special. And it doesn't end with anything special. Not to the rest of the world. Because there's only a select few that I let in, and there's only a select few that even want to stay.
I screwed up.
I took what my one of my best friend's, one my sister's, thought would never happen and made it happen.
I don't know how much it will hurt her. And I'm not too worried. Because she either gets over it, or she doesn't. She leaves or she stays. I'll deal with that when it comes to that.
It's the fact that I actually did it that bothers me.
I was falling. Finally falling in love... or getting to where I could and he took it away before I could even find the words to tell him.
"...I'm not going to ask how you are doing because I know the answer is probably disgusted, disappointed, hurt..."
Yeah, probably one of those..
"...I debated with myself on whether I should tell you or not. I asked God what I should do. The answer was clear, but my fear was stronger..."
"Either way," I told him. "It happened, and now you have to live with the consequences and so do I."
In a way, it's not a big deal. Just the fact that I thought something could actually come out of this. But, for right now, nothing can, so it's not a big deal.
And then I kissed Kevin.
I kissed him before Edward even told me about his secret. (And now it sounds like this is some Twilight spin-off or something. >.> lawl)
I woke up to him, kissed him, let him hold me and I was totally okay with it. Sometimes, I just let go of myself, to see what would happen. And most of the time, I'm surprised at how outlandish I can be.
So, Friday was Edward. Sunday was Kevin.
Slut?
Yeah, maybe.
I don't consider myself one. Because, if I were, I wouldn't give a damn about anyone's feelings.
But, I guess that makes me close to one.
Because, I almost don't.
She'll know after today though.
I'm going to man-up and tell her.
There's going to be tears and shit. But, I deserve it. I did it.
As for Kevin, if I were to ever give him a chance, he would have to change. And I've told him, that I don't need the things he does in my life. And he understand. Says he'll start changing, not for me, but for himself. He tells me I'm amazing and gorgeous. Tells me that he's never had someone like me before.
And I've heard the whole speech before.
From various others.
And for once, I would like someone to tell me the truth.
That I'm not as gorgeous or as amazing as I'm made out to be. That they're just lying when they say they will change. That they'll just tell me they want in my pants. That I'm not special.
Because I always feel like guys are lying.
And no matter how hard I try to shake that feeling.
It always comes back.
"....u make me happy and I enjoy the time we spend together hopefully amber wont be too mad when u talk to her about it anyways I will respect whatever happens..."
Pft.
We'll see.
..
You don't want to hurt me.
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder
Oh, there's a thunder in our hearts, baby.
Tell me we both matter,
don't we?
If I only could
make a deal with God
and get him to swap our places
be running up that road
be running up that hill
be running up that building.
If I only could.
Come on baby
Let me steal this moment from you now.
Let's exchange the experience...
I just want to move to San Antonio and lose myself there.
You want to feel how it feels
You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me.
You want to know about the deal I'm making.
You,
You and me.
It doesn't start with anything special. And it doesn't end with anything special. Not to the rest of the world. Because there's only a select few that I let in, and there's only a select few that even want to stay.
I screwed up.
I took what my one of my best friend's, one my sister's, thought would never happen and made it happen.
I don't know how much it will hurt her. And I'm not too worried. Because she either gets over it, or she doesn't. She leaves or she stays. I'll deal with that when it comes to that.
It's the fact that I actually did it that bothers me.
I was falling. Finally falling in love... or getting to where I could and he took it away before I could even find the words to tell him.
"...I'm not going to ask how you are doing because I know the answer is probably disgusted, disappointed, hurt..."
Yeah, probably one of those..
"...I debated with myself on whether I should tell you or not. I asked God what I should do. The answer was clear, but my fear was stronger..."
"Either way," I told him. "It happened, and now you have to live with the consequences and so do I."
In a way, it's not a big deal. Just the fact that I thought something could actually come out of this. But, for right now, nothing can, so it's not a big deal.
And then I kissed Kevin.
I kissed him before Edward even told me about his secret. (And now it sounds like this is some Twilight spin-off or something. >.> lawl)
I woke up to him, kissed him, let him hold me and I was totally okay with it. Sometimes, I just let go of myself, to see what would happen. And most of the time, I'm surprised at how outlandish I can be.
So, Friday was Edward. Sunday was Kevin.
Slut?
Yeah, maybe.
I don't consider myself one. Because, if I were, I wouldn't give a damn about anyone's feelings.
But, I guess that makes me close to one.
Because, I almost don't.
She'll know after today though.
I'm going to man-up and tell her.
There's going to be tears and shit. But, I deserve it. I did it.
As for Kevin, if I were to ever give him a chance, he would have to change. And I've told him, that I don't need the things he does in my life. And he understand. Says he'll start changing, not for me, but for himself. He tells me I'm amazing and gorgeous. Tells me that he's never had someone like me before.
And I've heard the whole speech before.
From various others.
And for once, I would like someone to tell me the truth.
That I'm not as gorgeous or as amazing as I'm made out to be. That they're just lying when they say they will change. That they'll just tell me they want in my pants. That I'm not special.
Because I always feel like guys are lying.
And no matter how hard I try to shake that feeling.
It always comes back.
"....u make me happy and I enjoy the time we spend together hopefully amber wont be too mad when u talk to her about it anyways I will respect whatever happens..."
Pft.
We'll see.
..
You don't want to hurt me.
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder
Oh, there's a thunder in our hearts, baby.
Tell me we both matter,
don't we?
If I only could
make a deal with God
and get him to swap our places
be running up that road
be running up that hill
be running up that building.
If I only could.
Come on baby
Let me steal this moment from you now.
Let's exchange the experience...
I just want to move to San Antonio and lose myself there.
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